“Whoa Nelly! That’s a big ‘un for sure!” Lydia exclaimed from behind her hand.

“Ooooh nooooo! Really!” Hannah cried out in response and kicked her feet up. I shot Lydia a quick look and she immediately attempted to backtrack.

“It’s not deep at all though, Hannah! Not at all, girl. It will be a cinch to get out. Right, Anne?” Lydia looked at me pleadingly.

“Should be able to get it, no problem.” I told Hannah as I applied liquid soap and some water to a piece of gauze. “I’m just gonna cleanse the area with soap and water. It’s a little cold, Hannah.” I warned her before I gently began to wash around the entry point of the sliver. What I needed was a needle to open the skin more and loosen it’s grip. “Lydia, can you please pat the area dry while I rummage around for a needle and some tweezers?”

AWKWARD!

“Pat Hannah’s bum dry?” Lydia asked as her eyebrows shot up in alarm.

“Do you have a problem with Lydia patting the area dry?” I asked Hannah. 

“Nope. Not at all.” Hannah waved a hand dismissively. I nodded at Lydia. She was blushing.

“Here’s some dry gauze. Are you OK?” I asked Lydia as I gave it to her.

“Oh, sure, sure. Likely better than poor Hannah here, right! That’s for sure.” Lydia chuckled nervously as she began to awkwardly poke at Hannah’s bottom.

I quickly searched the cupboard and found a sterile 18 gauge needle. Then I rummaged around the drawers and managed to find tweezers and a medical clamp. I ripped open some alcohol swabs and throughly wiped the tips of both of them as I glanced over my shoulder. Beads of sweat were forming on Lydia’s forehead. Oh God bless her! This was too much for her! I needed to put her out of her misery.

“Thanks so much Lydia. That will do just fine. So appreciate your help. I can take over from here, if you wouldn’t mind just chatting with Hannah and provide some ‘social safety’ and welcome distraction, that would be perfect.” Lydia brightened considerably.

“Oh yes! I can do that!” With that she pulled up a chair and plunked herself down in front of Hannah. “Do you have any good camp gossip?” Lydia asked eagerly.

“You know I do! Now let’s see…” Hannah responded enthusiastically as I began to line up my supplies on the examination table. I noticed a pause in the conversation. I looked up at the counselors. They were both observing me with a wary eye.

“Don’t mind me, ladies! You carry on as if I’m not even here. I can’t repeat a word of this anyway. You know, patient confidentiality and all.” I said matter of factually.

Tell me your secrets

“Ohhhh! Is that like when you go to confession and the priest has to keep your sins secret?” Hannah asked over her shoulder.

“Pretty much the same.” I said as I pulled open the sterile needle packaging and pulled the rather long needle out.

“Please tell me that you are not going to stick that huge needle in my bum!” Hannah squealed.

“No. I’m sorry! No. I’m just going to use it to pull back some of the skin. Relax. Just ignore me, concentrate on Lydia, and…chat.” The two nodded and then started in. I barely paid attention as I set to work.

I bent over the area and used the needle, tweezers and the clamps to gradually work the splinter free. I was worried it might come apart in pieces, but thankfully it didn’t. It took me a good ten minutes, but finally I was successful. Hannah and Lydia looked up as I held the splinter with the clamps in between their faces.

“Daaaaang!” Hannah exclaimed as she finally got a good look at it. 

“As your boss, Hannah, I will now be able to describe you as a very approachable and laid back individual.”

“Say what?” Hannah asked. I was confused too.

“Well, you definitely don’t have a stick up your butt now, do you?”

“Okaaaaay! Time’s up!” I said as I waved them out the door falling over each other cackling.

HA!